Talking Story

Starting new conversations in the workplace!

  • Rosa’s Books
  • ManagingWithAloha.com
  • RosaSay.com

We see what we want to see

March 8, 2012 by Rosa Say

“We do not see with our eyes. We see with our brains” What we see is only what our brain tells us we see, and it’s not 100 percent accurate.”
— John Medina, Brain Rules
— and my Dad, a coupla decades earlier: Can you see with your ears?

And we feel what we’re meant to feel

“For too long, people have disparaged the emotional brain, blaming our feelings for all of our mistakes. The truth is far more interesting. If it weren’t for our emotions, reason wouldn’t exist at all” When we are cut off from our feelings, the most banal decisions became impossible. A brain that can’t feel can’t make up its mind.”
— Jonah Lehrer, How We Decide

Initially, vision can trump all other senses

Most people flying into our Keahole Kona airport here, on the west side of the Big Island, are surprised in a rather unsettling way. They hope they haven’t made a mistake.

The approach to the coast is fairly barren, and the airport runway is surrounded by the stark nothingness of black lava fields and ugly invasive fountain grass. The lava plain is fairly new in geographical measurement (1801); greenery hasn’t seeded and rooted in any triumphant way yet.

If you’re a returning resident, it’s secretly fun to watch the faces of first time visitors peering out the windows. You can see them thinking, “But this is Hawai‘i! Where are the coconut trees? Where are the flowers? Isn’t this the tropics?”

It’s secretly fun because you know what will happen: We who live here are happy for them, and for the experiences we know they’ll soon have.

I always want to tell them, “You’ll see, just be patient.”

And I want to coach them: “Once we land, be a courageous explorer. Go off the beaten track, and get lost in the feelings here. Converse with the locals, and ask them to share their aloha with you. Talk story. Share yours too.”

Swirling turbulence

To us, this landscape is beautiful. It’s not barren at all. As the maxim goes, “Looks are deceiving.”

The Big Island is the kind of place you have to explore further, so you can learn about it more fully. Once you do, feelings tug pretty quickly, and quite deeply. You fall in love, and you fall in love hard. To do otherwise doesn’t seem possible.

But that’s okay, for you no longer want it to be otherwise. Feeling deeply is wonderful.

It’s the same thing as when you feel the Calling of Alaka‘i Managemeant.

You’ve got to explore that calling, digging deeper, and allowing it to get personal.
You’ve got to make connections with the people who surround you — especially with those you work with, and doubly, triply so with those you are supposed to ‘manage.’

If you can open up, and allow yourself to get a little vulnerable, you discover all kinds of things in the partnerships you create.

Thank you for reading Talking Story. If this sounds good to you, you’re in the right place. Start digging for the calling of Alaka‘i here, and for managemeant here. You need not go too far back.

You might like this one too: The instinctive, natural selection of wanting

Purchase Managing with Aloha at Amazon.com in hardcover, or in the Kindle Store.

Hello? These are your values speaking.

May 3, 2011 by Rosa Say

Can you hear me now?

“Revolution doesn’t happen when society adopts new technologies.
It happens when society adopts new behaviors.”
— Clay Shirky, Here Comes Everybody

The past few days represent a learning time in our personal history on the earth. It’s almost impossible not to notice, and somehow participate in, the aftermath of our receiving the news that Osama Bin Laden had been killed in a U.S. wartime mission.

I used that word ‘receiving’ intentionally. We don’t just ‘hear’ news like this, we receive it somehow, each in our own way.

I’ve participated in the aftermath quietly too, for it’s been big enough to spill into the new book containment I’ve created for myself in recent days, despite the intensity of my concentration in wanting to finish that project soon, and finish it well. I’m not one to seek a public gathering somewhere, and frankly, those celebrations have concerned me greatly, especially to see their prevalent generational signature of receiving. I can’t help but wonder what parents have modeled for their children, and how current history has been taught in our schools, for most of the faces I see in those gatherings were so young when Osama Bin Laden’s notoriety in our collective consciousness began.

They’re still young now. One of the things so fascinating about all of this, is noticing how our world shifts and changes bit by bit, big by big while we are right in the center of it.

I’ve participated in two ways, primarily; watching way more broadcast news than I normally do (and reverting to old lurking habits on Twitter) and taking notice of the reactions within my own ‘Ohana, fully aware of how one’s closest family can affect each other. I was so grateful to know, even without having to ask them, that neither of my children wanted to be anywhere near those public gatherings either. Are we patriotic? Yes, we are. We just choose to be patriotic (and more) in a different way.

Then, when some of the noisiness of those two listenings abated, I sat down with my private journal, the one I handwrite in messily, for the very physical effort that particular writing process requires of me. Sometimes my hand skips lightly across the page in this notebook, with pen almost looking like pencil. At other times I’ve pressed so hard I skip writing on that page’s other side where the embossing has come through, making it bumpy. Both effects are the result of different degrees of intellectual honesty for me, where I’ve answered for myself, “Okay girlfriend, what do you really think about all of this, huh?” and allowed my emotional voices out too.

I won’t lie to you: I’m not always totally pleased with my answers to the question. But I’ve learned to accept my own truth at that point in time. I’ve learned not to beat myself up for it, nor overly celebrate it when it is pleasing. I just accept it as is, as the next point I’ll move forward from. That ability to move forward, and my resolution to do so with a measure of intentional diligence, is what I want to keep focused on most of all.

Daytime Thunder

We’re all in a perfect storm kind of time, but it’s one which comes with some quiet if you choose to step into it. It’s perfect for self-reflection and listening to your personal values talk to you. It’s a time to tell yourself the truth, and understand who you are at that particular moment in time. It’s a time to figure out what you’ll do about that knowledge.

I hope you do step into the quiet of your perfect storm too. Just do it for you.

You are probably getting bombarded with all kinds of opinions. Feelings are raw, and at times like these, people need to be heard, so they look for people like you, who they feel close to, and know will listen. You can be there for them, but be somewhere for yourself right now too.

How do you really feel?

When we talk about the values-based philosophy of Managing with Aloha, people will ask me, “Rosa, how do I truly know what my deepest values are in their pure me, at my own core state?” and all I can say is that, “You’ll know. Trust in your intuition, and you’ll know.” The best advice I can offer them is to learn to talk to themselves more, so they can hear themselves more too.

This is one of those times, I think, and I hope you take advantage of it. Listen to your own values, and receive them for what they are; you and your gifts.

Then, you can decide what you’d like to do about that.

No matter what they’ve been about, all these historical moments have that in common, don’t they: They become life markers we move forward from.

Ka lā hiki ola. Welcome the dawning of your new day, however you and your good values choose to define it.

The Transforming Power of Ho‘okipa in Business

April 30, 2010 by Rosa Say

Danny Meyer’s book has sat on my desk since I’d written yesterday’s post (Are we seeking Hospitalitarians?) and I’ve been enjoying reviewing it: In fact, I’ve been adding to my 1st-reading annotations in a very wonderful three-years-later-way.

When I read the book in 2007 I wrote two blog postings for Joyful Jubilant Learning; first a book review, and then an interview with Danny. His book had spoken to me in such a strong voice, and I felt compelled to reach out to him, and did.

With the weekend coming up (goodbye to April and Aloha to May!) I decided to bring a combination of both postings here, to a new publication of them for Talking Story, giving them a second home-spot here on the mothership. This will therefore be much longer than usual, offered up to you for your leisurely weekend pleasure.

alawb09

Danny Meyer has been called “America’s Most Innovative Restaurateur” and that’s the tagline his publisher has grabbed for his book cover. Whether he likes it or not, today he is more CEO than restaurateur, yet Meyer lives up to this billing within the pages of his book, as he shares his stories on why and how he successfully did innovate with each of the restaurants he’s opened. As he says about Shake Shack, “the burger, hot dog, and frozen custard stand we created in 2004 for Madison Square Park,”

“As always with our new ventures, the idea was to draw on the best elements of the classic, make it authentic for its present context, and then try to execute it with excellence.”
—Setting the Table, page 131

That one sentence says a lot about this book; within it Meyer explains what “the classic” is in his view, what authenticity means both historically and in terms of his next innovation for restaurants, and then most importantly about how “to execute it with excellence” means understanding the difference between service and “the transforming hospitality in business.”

Though an ex-restaurant person myself, reading through Meyer’s writing about ‘the classic’ was the least interesting part of the book for me (other than my usual glee with learning how a person’s Ho‘ohana comes to be). I can see where he may have felt it necessary to establish his credibility outside of his New York renown with scoops of his life-shaping industry knowledge. It may also have been that he was sensitive to giving those who influenced him credit where credit was due, but it bordered on tedious name-dropping and insider’s foodie talk which dished up the sections of the book I was more apt to skim through.

However I only share this to encourage you to persist through this less than compelling first impression if you’re struck by it as I was, for the rest of Setting the Table (i.e. the greater majority of its 320 pages, from chapters 4 through 13) is truly terrific reading, and a very satisfying meal for anyone who studies management and leadership.

The book was initially attractive to me for the promise of explaining Meyer’s well-known philosophy on service versus hospitality, and to that end, he delivered magnificently, covering his Virtuous Cycle of Enlightened Hospitality, and adding an extra ingredient he calls the “charitable assumption.” (page 206) There are abundant bonuses: The management and leadership lessons he shares were like starting with extra desserts before having to eat the meal.

Meyer is a big believer in emotional intelligence. He lives by it and looks to surround himself with it in the partnerships he selects, eagerly collecting mentors and savoring their wisdom— yet another way in which their classics become his innovation. Self-awareness and integrity are often mentioned as traits he values; they are the common threads running through his “five core emotional skills” sought in the hiring of a staff he refers to as his “51 percenters” (skills divided 51-49 between emotional hospitality and technical excellence) and through a list of nine specific traits he believes define the mind-set and character of his critically important managers.
Meyer describes himself as a “high touch leader” and a “bottom-up manager who subscribes to the concept of servant leadership” and he says, “I believe that leadership is not measured just by what you’ve accomplished, but rather by how other people you depend on feel in the process of accomplishing things.” (page 217)

The management philosophy Meyer speaks of is a kinesthetic buffet of terms like “constant, gentle pressure” (he explicitly describes the gravity of each of those words) and he is a master of the metaphor. Several are sprinkled through his book, giving it a stickiness this reader is sure to remember. In particular I loved his explanation of why those new to management have to understand the instant appearance of megaphones, binoculars, and fire. In explaining fire, Meyer masterfully illustrates that a high touch, servant leader who understands that ultimately, all employees “are volunteers,” is no wishy-washy softie.

“With each year I’ve spent as a leader, I’ve grown more and more convinced that my team ”“ any team ”“ thirsts for someone with authority, and power, to tell them consistently where they’re going, how they’re doing, and how they could do their job even better. And all the team asks is that the same rules apply to everyone.”
—Danny Meyer in Setting the Table, page 198

Danny Meyer may be one of the most humble yet savvy businessmen around; he tells his story in an almost self-depreciating way, and is extremely open about his fumbles ”“ one terrific chapter is called, The Road to Success is Paved with Mistakes Well Handled, and it could’ve easily been another tagline for his book. Yet don’t let the word “humble” mislead you. In my view, Meyer is one smart cookie. A chapter he calls Broadcasting the Message, Tuning in the Feedback on how he’s handled and learned from the press is exceptional, a glimpse that this is not a man to underestimate. “My only choice then, is to hop on the back of the shark and ride with exceptional care and skill, or I’m lunch.”

Judge for yourself. If you are in business, a manager and a leader, I’d recommend you consider Danny Meyer as one of the mentors you collect, for there is great advice generously given within the pages of his book. On bookshelves full of the newest business books written by academics, journalists and theorists, look for Meyer’s Setting the Table in the company of stories from the trenches. From those trenches have emerged his very successful world class team, and you can read how it happens.

Visit Amazon.com to purchase the book, or to read more reviews.

Related posts: These were written on Talking Story in preparation for this review, and you will see how my feelings grew ever more favorable the more I read!

  • Service is Monologue; Hospitality, Dialogue
  • Ho‘ohana: Love Your Work (about those five core emotional skills Meyer hires for)

Union Square Cafe by Zagat Buzz on Flickr

What makes a person a Joyful and Jubilant Learner?

The answers are sure to be found in most of the successful people we know.

Jubilant Learners Speak Up!

One of the things I believe, is that we learn best from other people. When we started this series for Joyful Jubilant Learning, we had the goal of bringing the voices of learning coaches to you. Some of the people who immediately came to mind for us may not think of themselves as learning coaches, but we certainly do!

As we talked about the series, I put together a “silent list” of those people I would truly love to have us interview one day; silent in that I hadn’t shared it with the rest of my JJL team —yet, and silent in that these were people I thought of as my learning coaches even though the one thing they had in common was that I didn’t know them personally —yet. They are people I would love to know better because they have coached me through their writing or speaking, and I am intent on meeting them one day so I can let them know how much I appreciate what they have already taught me.

The very first name on my list was Danny Meyer. I had received his book as a Christmas present from my husband who bought it for me based on the subtitle alone, “the transforming power of hospitality in business.” As I peeled away the gift-wrapping, he said, “It sounded like he’s as nuts as you are about hospitality and what businesses are capable of should they choose to be.”

That was when a man I hadn’t yet heard of became one of my heroes. I have since written about Danny’s book, Setting the Table several times, and we’ll add those links at the end of this article, but first, we are very honored to introduce Danny to you within the transforming power of his own words. Meet Danny Meyer, “America’s most innovative restaurateur.”

In October 1985, at age twenty-seven, Danny Meyer, with a good idea and scant experience, opened what would become one of New York City’s most revered restaurants—Union Square Café. Little more than twenty years later, Danny is the CEO of one of the world’s most dynamic restaurant organizations, which includes eleven unique dining establishments, each at the top of its game.

From Setting the Table (page 11);
“Hospitality is the foundation of my business philosophy. Virtually nothing else is as important as how one is made to feel in any business transaction. Hospitality exists when you believe the other person is on your side. The converse is just as true. Hospitality is present when something happens for you. It is absent when something happens to you. Those two simple propositions —for and to— express it all.”
— Danny Meyer

Rosa: First Danny, I must say thank you. Thank you for writing a book that I have come to think of as a must-read primer for any business person learning about hospitality, a value we must elevate and allow to inspire in so many of our professions. You have added to my own coaching arsenal magnificently; I want to help you sell millions of them! For those of our readers who have not yet read your book, would you first tell us what that “good idea” you had was back when you were twenty-seven?

Danny: Like so many entrepreneurs, it wasn’t so much that I had a good idea, as it was that I had an “itch” I had no choice but to scratch. That itch was to create the restaurant that I would most want to go to being a food lover and wanting to be treated well.

Rosa: In your book’s introduction, you write, “Along the way, I’ve learned powerful lessons and language that have allowed me to lead with intention rather than by intuition.” I tend to think of both intention and intuition as powerful; why not lead harnessing both?

Danny: I do lead with both. But like many intuitive leaders, I am not naturally analytical. The discipline it took for me to sit down and write Setting the Table forced me to give language and words to those ideas which had always been obvious to me, but maybe not as evident to others. Telling stories and drawing conclusions has allowed me to do a much, much better job of teaching and not expecting my colleagues to be mind readers!

Rosa: As a workplace coach, I very much appreciated how your stories opened up possibilities for readers to step into. In capturing those ideas and conclusions you had expressed, you invited us to live our own stories of hospitality at work, leading us in a very inspirational way. Do you make a distinction between management and leadership?

Danny: Absolutely. I think of management as a way to keep things on track; to make sure all is safe and sound and functioning well ”“ an important facet of any successful business. Leadership is the act of imagining where to go, providing people with an uplifting, yet realistic idea of what the journey might be like, setting priorities, embodying what success looks like, letting people know how they’re doing, and supporting peoples’ success all along the way, saying thank you a lot.

Rosa: Danny, you have used language phrasings within Setting the Table that I love, making your stories and concepts so easy for me to recall and think back on. Examples jump out with chapter names like “The 51 Percent Solution” and “Constant, Gentle Pressure,” and another that drew comments here within my book review for you this past March was about the new managers’ “gift of fire.” Would you tell us more about “charitable assumption” (found on page 206)?

Danny: I believe that most people truly want to do their best and to succeed. Too often, especially in a highly competitive arena, colleagues (not unlike siblings!) are quick to assume someone else was acting out of ill-intent. Encouraging colleagues to sustain a charitable assumption ”“looking for the best in people ”“ dramatically increases the odds that a team will thrive together.

Rosa: When you say “a team will thrive together” and I think about restaurants, managers are the ones who instantly come to mind for me as needing to find their place in that team. My husband, son and I had dinner out just last night, and I noticed a manager walking the floor with that Pigpen-like cloud I see in far too many restaurants around far too many managers, where it seems they just don’t belong, or are redundant. They seem to be just pacing, checking up on everything, and not knowing how to intercept their staff processes, much less a dialogue with a customer; it’s painful for a guest to even watch! What do you teach your managers about their role in the dialogue of hospitality? What would you suggest to all those restaurant managers out there so they can immediately make a change on their next shift?

Danny: Nobody wants to be in the near proximity of a skunk, and certainly nobody wants to work with or for one! For me it’s simple: a manager should be constantly looking for opportunities to do thoughtful things for someone. His or her first priority is to provide support ”“ both technical and emotional ”“ to staff members; next he or she should look, listen, and feel for ways to do thoughtful things for guests.

Rosa: As someone who earned her own server’s stripes in different restaurants, there were so many parts of your book where I cheered for you as the champion of servers everywhere! It was so refreshing and encouraging to read that hospitality is extended to everyone for you. However you seem to believe that only certain people are meant to be ‘hospitalitarians,’ for you say, “A special type of personality thrives on providing hospitality, and it’s crucial to our success that we attract people who possess it. (page 146)” So similar to the question often asked about leadership, are hospitalitarians born or made in your view?

Danny: In the same way as we are each born with a certain IQ that doesn’t much change over the years , I believe that we are each born (and to some degree raised) with a certain HQ ”“ or hospitality quotient. That HQ determines the degree to which we naturally derive pleasure from providing pleasure. I wrote about a number of emotional skills that are typically at a high level in people with a high HQ. I don’t believe they can be taught, but I do believe managers can be taught to identify and hire people with these skills.

Rosa: Now that you have written it, is Setting the Table used as a textbook for your training programs? I certainly would be! It has been said that great leaders draw from their personal stories, and you are a wonderful story-teller, with the added bonus that your book shares the values of your company told within the history of your company. In addition to hospitality, what are the core values you speak of most with your staff?

Danny: Yes, we use Setting the Table as a learning tool for our staff, and we refer to it frequently as a way to describe what works, and also what doesn’t. I really wrote it as a case study in what was working. By understanding what we do when we’re really on our game, we can be far more purposeful about doing it with greater frequency and consistency.

If I were to distill my job down to just two tasks they would be to make sure we were always fully stocked with hospitalitarians, and to hold them accountable for the degree of hospitality ”“ respect and trust ”“ they accorded one another. At that point, we’d be capable of accomplishing almost anything!

Rosa: Those two tasks do accomplish so much; I think you give would-be leaders terrific insight on where their focus should be. Going back for a moment to that HQ factor, you said you don’t believe some basic emotional skills can be taught, and you hire for them. Having selected the right people, what do you expect they will learn once they begin to work within your company? If you were to jot down a short list of learning expectations for your hospitalitarians, what kind of things would be on your list?

Danny: It’s a hard thing to trust that you can achieve more by mastering your emotions and putting others first ”“ especially in a high pressure setting of a restaurant. But I think people learn to trust that you get more when you first give more. They learn that the best way to get a hug, is first to give one. They master all kinds of technical skills specific to our business, and they gain like minded friends for life.

Located in the Gramercy Park Hotel, Maialino serves traditional Italian dishes. Photo from Zagat Buzz on Flickr.

Rosa: Learning is often connected to the word your publisher used in your tagline: innovation. What kind of innovation do you believe needs to happen within your business, or in business as a whole?

Danny: It’s a tired cliché ”“ but it’s true: unless a business is moving forward, it will atrophy and die. Staff members need to be challenged with new opportunities to perform at their peaks. And while guests do return in part to repeat experiences they’ve loved, they too expect you to constantly find new ways of doing things.

Rosa: Having accomplished what you have, and knowing how universal your lessons-learned are, do you have any desire to tackle another field, or will there always be another restaurant waiting for you to open it somewhere? Are there other professions you’d love to learn about?

Danny: I’ve been fortunate to be able to continuously grow within my chosen field, and I’ve had the privilege of using restaurants to further explore a lot of my own personal interests ”“ like art, music, cooking, wine, antiques, travel, meeting people, community investment, philanthropy and even politics. What more could I want?!

Rosa: There is another quote I pulled from your book Danny, choosing it for the scrolling marquee when my laptop is on power save; “The courage to grow demands the courage to let go.” You explained this well in chapter 13, however bring us up to date since that writing; what are you letting go of now to continue in your own personal growth?

Danny: Each day my job is to ask myself whether any task I am doing is truly my best and highest use. I must also ask that of every other colleague on my team. A byproduct of our growth as a company is that we’ve continuously surrounded ourselves with talented colleagues with high HQ’s ”“ many of whom are far better at what they know how to than I ever would or could be. This allows me to spend more time thinking of ways to push the envelopes of hospitality and excellence, rather than being the guy who’s pushing them!

Rosa: Danny the core mission we have here at Joyful Jubilant Learning is to share lessons-learned that everyone can personally apply to their own learning. What would you say are those lessons-learned that have had the most impact in your life?

Danny: That nothing else rises to the level of hospitality ”“ making people know you are on their side ”“ in terms of distinguishing one organization from another. Not performance, not anything. Long after people forget what you served them, they’ll remember how you made them feel.

Rosa: What’s next for you Danny, and how shall we all keep learning from you, and with you?

Danny: My Union Square Hospitality Group (www.ushgnyc.com) colleagues and I are in the process of improving all of our restaurants, and meanwhile building our catering company, Hudson Yards Catering. We’re interested in seeing if we can add anything to the dialogue on dining while at sports stadiums. And one of these days, we’d like to have the experience of replicating something we’ve already done ”“ like Shake Shack, (www.shakeshack.com) Blue Smoke (www.bluesmoke.com), or Tabla (www.tablany.com).

Rosa: Mahalo nui loa Danny, thank you so much for being my guest on Jubilant Learners Speak Up!

Shake Shack, the burger, hot dog, and frozen custard stand Meyer created in 2004 for Madison Square Park. Photo by Biskuit on Flickr.

Who might be one of your learning coaches? I hope my talk with Danny encourages you to seek them out too.

~ Rosa Say

Emotional Intelligence; another version

May 20, 2007 by Rosa Say

If you’ve blessed me with a subscription to Talking Story, and you didn’t just end up here by Googling something related to aloha, values, management, leadership or business, you know about the Ho’ohana Community.

If you did search, please consider sticking around and picking up a feed, for I’m about to give you one more reason that people get so excited about the relationships which can result from participating in online communities.

Gift_card_new_1For those of you who do subscribe, I know it’s been pretty quiet here lately, so I’ve got to say mahalo nui loa (thank you very much) for your patience and for the breathing room. There’s been a lot going on for me, where spending time offline with my family has been the very best choice I could make in how I should use whatever free time I could drum up. Then there was the usual stuff of my business to keep up with, and keeping on schedule with the every-Saturday commitment I’ve made to blogging for the Learn to Lead with Your Strengths project on Joyful Jubilant Learning. As a result, Talking Story has continuously given up its place in line for my attentions due to a myriad of compounded reasons.

Perhaps you’ve enjoyed the break too?

Since you haven’t had to keep up with me, I sincerely hope you’ve taken the opportunity to do the blog crawl down my left column under the heading that’s called Ho’ohana Community Voices. If you ever want for positive, uplifting reading, that’s a great place to start.

I know it’s a pretty long list, and so another way to be sure that the ones you choose are currently active (and not on a life-is-calling break like I’ve been) is to click on the names that have been recent commenters here, like Pete Aldin, Dave Rothacker, Terry Starbucker, and David Zinger. You might even meet someone new, like Dave Richards.

When you decide that you’ll get to know the people who are in our Ho’ohana Community, you’re deciding to add much more emotional intelligence to your life.

Amazingly, they can be the ones who are there for you when you’re not sure who you need to be there. They can be the ones who are always there for you even though you’ve never met them in person. Their voices, and their good intention has always been enough.

More than good enough, their voices have been just about perfect.

This is what will eventually happen, just like it did for me today…

Stuff will happen in life that can make you look at things in your world very emotionally. You can feel off balance, even though deep down you know that trusting in the intelligence of your emotions can usually be a very good thing. Emotional intelligence is the all-good stuff that your intuition and gut-level trust is made of; your emotions give you a unique kind of capacity. The word we have in Hawaiian for the wisdom of intuition is na’au’ao … literally, na’au is gut, and attaching ‘ao to it is adding self-learning or trusted experience.

Still, even knowing that, you can get off balance with your emotions. They can go in overdrive, and when they do, they can interfere with rational decision-making.

Sometimes your emotions are actually right on the mark, and perfectly, solidly sound. But because they’re so emotional, you question them even more, and doubt they could possibly be as right as they are. What to believe? It’s not a female thing, a male thing, a young thing, or an old thing; it’s a very human being kind of thing.

When that happens, one of the smartest things you can do is to talk things out. But with who? Who will understand? Who will take the time to let you be okay with how you emotionally feel about something, respectfully honoring how valid those emotions are, while helping you get back on track? Who will ground you again, and bring you back into balance, understanding completely?

In my case, I decided to call two different people today, trusting that they were my Who(s). I was right; each time, they were the perfect choice of Who and Who to call. When we ended our Skype calls, I felt perfectly centered and emotionally right, with great decisions in mind. Both were members of the Ho’ohana Community, and both gave me a generous, healthy shot of emotional intelligence today. Within their care, I felt total, unconditional aloha, and I met them both here, within the pages of Talking Story. (Mahalo nui Greg and Phil).

I’ve now lost count of how many times over the last three years (the amount of time I’ve been online with Talking Story) that I’ve made calls like these I made today. If not for blogging, and if not for virtual community, I would never have met some of the most thoughtful, generous, and intuitively communicative people I know.

Family comes in so many varieties. I am blessed to have emotionally intuitive people in my life both online and offline. Sometimes, being together to talk things out in person is as good as it gets, but sometimes, online works in amazing ways, and with that respectful, intelligently emotional distance is as good as it gets too.

Isn’t it time you trusted in your own emotional intelligence, and talked story with us too? Trust me, you’ll be so glad you did.

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RSS Current Articles at Managing with Aloha:

  • Do it—Experiment!
  • Hō‘imi to Curate Your Life’s Experience
  • Kaʻana i kāu aloha: Share your Aloha
  • Managing Basics: The Good Receiver
  • What do executives do, anyway? They do values.
  • Managing Basics: On Finishing Well
  • Wellness—the kind that actually works

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