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Dear Manager, Who do you want to be?

October 24, 2011 by Rosa Say

What I often hear from managers is, “I feel pulled in so many different directions.”

What they mean to say, is that they are trying to please a variety of different people, and it never stops: They will get some short-term results, but they know they have simply bought some time, and soon the juggling act will start again, where they weigh the sensitivities with who to please next — Boss? Subordinate? Peer? Customer? Supplier? Spouse?

They feel caught in a vicious circle where stress and pressure might ebb and flow, but it never ends.

They need a long-term solution to the “pulling at me” dilemma.

The sad thing, is that they usually aren’t even asking me for help; they’re just making a statement to explain “the way things are” without expecting that it can be different.

I'm starting to crack
I'm starting to crack by Nina Matthews Photography, on Flickr

Managing doesn’t have to be that way; there IS a solution.

It sounds counter-intuitive at first, but the answer is in getting more selfish. They need to answer the question, “Who do I want to be with these people?” and that usually requires new work with relationship building, one person at a time, until a healthier, and more productive relationship is in place. That relationship is the long-term solution to the tendency short-term issues have with repeating themselves in shades of never-ending variety.

Let’s look at the manager-subordinate relationship as an example.

Usually, that ‘with’ word is critical, because instead of defining “Who do I want to be WITH this person?” managers — and they are managers with the best intentions — actually work in a way that is about who they need to be FOR that person. In reality, they need to work with their subordinates, and not for them, eliminating as much pinch-hitting as possible so that people can stand on their own in the work they do.

For after all, they were hired to do their work, not you.

Remember this?

Stars want to work with other stars. People want to believe that they are working with the best people in their field, and not with others who are second best.
— Lead with Compassion, then Manage for Competence

Managers who operate as salaried pinch-hitters aren’t managers; they’re extras. Most businesses today (and all good businesses, for that matter) don’t employ extras.

The most effective managers do not have co-dependent relationships with other people, not even with those on their team. Great managers coach people to be stars, working toward a goal of that star being individually indispensable in what they do, and in how well they do it. A great manager isn’t “one of the boys (or girls)” and doesn’t want to be: A great manager wants to be supporter and teacher, skills trainer and talent groomer, learning and/or influence resource, coach and mentor — NOT co-worker.

The key word is ROLE, and it’s individually relevant.

You may want to be a co-worker for a peer (and be specific about what that means in that relationship), but not for a subordinate who needs you to be their coach and mentor.

What is the role you play with each person who “pulls at” you? What is it now, and what should it be? — What should it develop toward, so you both grow in your relationship? Your daily work together should be the way your new and improved relationship plays out and progresses: In the instance of their next pulling, work within the steps necessary so that self-development begins to happen for each of you.

Managers are the people in an organization who channel available human energies in the best possible way. When managers work WITH someone, results should be exponentially greater — learning and people-development is somehow woven into it, and the manager isn’t just another pair of hands increasing or speeding up production: When a manager is involved in work with someone else, the process of that person’s work gets tweaked at the same time.

Work on this one person at a time, to do WITH them whenever you’re together, and not FOR them, and you will have your long-term solution of a newer and better relationship between you. The juggling will stop, because it gets replaced with consistent progress.

The prize of course, is that you will now be freed up to work on the role you are meant to work on within your calling: The Reconstructed, Rejuvenated, Newly Respected, and Never Underestimated Role of the Manager.

Find your Sweet Spot, and work there. Be that star, and then, you can move on to more exciting stuff, Your Edge :)

Aloha! Just joining us?

Talking Story is the blog home of those who are learning to be Alaka‘i Managers — those committed to managing and leading with Aloha. Read a preview of the book which inspired this movement, and visit our About Page.

Talking Story with Rosa Say

A D5M Listening Goal: Identify Partner Gifts

April 15, 2011 by Rosa Say

Let’s take another look at the circular “Career Adventure” graphic shared yesterday from another perspective, one within the Alaka‘i Manager’s gifting of The Daily Five Minutes.

If you’re already doing the D5M, yet suspect you could recharge your practice with it, this post is for you!

The core purpose of The Daily Five Minutes is this: Managers seek to know those on their team better, by gifting them with 5 minutes of their full attention (one person, one day at a time) so each person can feel they are fully heard — and thus, fully valued.

How better can you value someone, than by giving them a forum in which to explore their creative gifts?

SIDEBAR: Learn more about The Daily Five Minutes HERE if you are new to Talking Story and hearing about it for the first time. Know too, that in Managing with Aloha we call our teammates ‘partners’ instead of ‘employees.’

The agenda of the D5M conversation is up to the partner, (in their gracious receiving) and not the manager (in their generous giving), and managers are encouraged to take what they hear at face value, so both people can speak into it directly, and honestly.

D5Mdiscover

Our D5M goal to LISTEN does not change

A manager’s patience is required in the beginning of a D5M giver/receiver relationship, for the manager-as-giver has no say in the agenda; you have to listen to, and acknowledge whatever is said. And in the beginning, that simple, pure purpose is vitally important, for the depth of your attention is another kind of gauge — one by which your receiver assesses the degree of your listening sincerity, and your Ho‘ohanohano respect for them.

As a manager, you must resist any urges you have to overly influence your partner/receiver’s agendas — you’re supposed to be taking a break from ‘managing’ in the D5M (and from talking too much at all) and just listen and respond to what they want. Their agendas are important to them, and you must demonstrate that they are therefore important to you.

So if you are starting brand new D5M relationships, I want you to read the rest of this posting as what you can anticipate doing over time. To use the wise coaching of Stephen R. Covey in his 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, a book highly recommended by Carol Eikleberry (and me!) for character-building, you can “Begin with the End in Mind.”

‘The End’ I propose to you, is that you are listening as deeply as you can, no matter what is said in a D5M, to better understand what your partner/receiver’s gifts are. You are simply listening deeper, and framing what is actually said (and what you must respond to directly), so you can hear talent talking.

After knowing them ‘better’ seek to know them ‘thoroughly’

Once a person begins to identify their own gifts, they can’t help but talk about them. However most of us don’t have someone we can talk to about our gifts, where we don’t feel like we’re bragging or wallowing in selfish, arrogant ho‘okano pride, but are supposed to talk about them, and can do so in the context of work that everyone would love to have us magnificently perform each day.

Another note on this, is that few people will call their potential a gift: You are the one who has to listen that way.

You are listening for clues to their talents, their strengths, and for ways they feel they can overcome any weaknesses. You are listening for what fills them with energy versus what saps it away. You are listening for what they want to learn about, or grow into, and why, trying to zero in on what they will then do with their new knowledge and/or skills.

For instance, if nearly all Claire talks to you about in her D5M opportunities are about conflicts between other people on the team, is she gossiping, or is she highly empathetic, and sensitive to person-to-person conflicts that affect overall work productivity? Can she be equally sensitive in watching for more solutions too, having the benefit of your coaching to groom her empathy more proactively?

This might sound tricky to you at first, but trust me on this, it actually isn’t difficult at all once you have intentionally set out to practice it, much in the same way that if I tell you to “Look around for the color blue,” you begin to see it everywhere, and even when I say, “Enough already!”

Plus when someone feels that talking about their own gifts is expected and welcomed, the floodgates will open, and managers needn’t be good investigative detectives — they just have to listen with the intention of receiving the information well.

So what is “receiving it well?” It’s helping your partners find more ways that they can move to the next step in the Career Adventure circle, from accepting their gifts, to working with their gifts with your full support and blessing — and your coaching and mentorship.

In short, the D5M gives you a way where no one need to take a more creative career adventure alone.

Begin to carry a brand new D5M coaching notebook!

Take another look at this graphic. Write the name of your next D5M partner/receiver in the middle of the circle, and ask yourself: What do I already know about their gifts (strengths, skills, ability, capacity), and what must I still learn about them?

Work With Your Gifts

The reality of so many workplaces is that people may know their gifts, but not feel they have the permission and liberty to use them in more creative ways. So dear manager, give them that permission and liberty, along with your blessing and willingness to help them.

If you click directly on this post’s version of the graphic above, you’ll be taken to my Flickr page, where you can download it in different sizes. Make a bunch of copies, one for each person on your team you’re giving The Daily Five Minutes to, and use it for another 2 or 3 minutes of note-taking when your next D5M with them is over: What gifts did you hear about, and where is your partnership on the circle?

Then, next time you have some project assignments to make, pull out your notebook and flip through it: Which of your D5M partners are ready for a new, and very relevant connection?

Manager as Teacher; Learning to Learn

March 25, 2011 by Rosa Say

Preface: This posting was triggered by a video I saw on the CBS Evening News called “Preventing future college dropouts” (see footnote). The first section, Learning to Learn, is part of a speech I often give in schools, to help teachers inspire their students to connect the way they learn with their Ho‘ohana. It’s a true story, and I’d like to share it with you too.

My message for students is that unless you are extremely lucky in a first job, in that you have an Alaka‘i Manager for a boss, ‘working with intention,’ the definition of Ho‘ohana, is something you will have to learn for yourself when school is over. Ho‘ohana is important within the bigger lifestyle goal of ‘Imi ola; actively creating your best possible life with healthy work, for work is a fact of life. So the best way you prepare for your future, is in your grasp right now: Learn how to learn for you. Not for your teacher, not for your parents, not because the law says you have to come to school and you have no choice” learn how to learn for you.

I wrote Business Thinking with Aloha as an ebook with a similar message for college undergraduates and all young adults, using my then-26yo daughter, 23yo son and a group of their friends as my editorial advisory committee. The message there is, Use your starter jobs to your best learning benefit, and Aloha value-mapping is the skill set presented. Faithful Talking Story readers will remember I was passionately lamenting our Lost Generation at the time (still am.)

If there are teachers reading:
I am a big fan of flipping the old model most of us grew up with. The flip: old-style homework is actually done in the classroom, with you there to help students work through it, for you can do so much better than their parents can: We love our kids, and ache when we see them struggle, but we don’t have your teaching skills.

With all the digital possibilities, and techno-habits kids prefer anyways, give them the lecture online for home viewing. Turn them onto resources like the Khan Academy (TED video). Have reading and other without-you-there assignments be the homework which is actually prework. I would imagine that this will give you less papers to grade as your solitary homework too!

Learning to Learn

Pretty sure I was in the 6th grade, maybe still the 5th, when I figured out why we go to school.

I liked school up to then, and did well, but the 6th grade was when the homework I’d bring home began to feel overwhelming. It would cut into the free time I’d taken for granted up to then, for the rule in our house was that you did your homework first, chores second, and then could head outside for what was left of the weekday. We lived on a dead-end street that was neighborhood central for most of the ballgames we’d play, and you could hear the noise level outside rise to a crescendo as the afternoon wore on. Seemed all our parents levied the same rules.

So as the amount of my homework grew, so did my frustration. This was long before there was any such thing as a personal computer or ipods for mood music, and we all sat around the kitchen table doing our homework quietly, with pencils scratching on paper the only sounds made. Our screened windows let in Hawai‘i’s natural island air-conditioning, and I could hear all my friends outside. I’d imagine it was every one of them in the neighborhood except me, sure I could pick out their voices in the laughter, and my younger brothers didn’t miss their chance to taunt me as they slammed their books shut and headed out too: By the time I got outside teams were picked, games were in full swing, and all I could do was sit on the curb and watch.

There were more and more days that I’d still be sitting at that table when my dad came home from work, and that was signal that I’d have to help with dinner soon; there’d be no outside play at all that day. My dad would always come over and hug my shoulders when he came in, and say something like, “that’s my girl, your schoolwork is important, you know” or some similar encouragement, and most times I’d just nod, bite my tongue and pout. But one day I couldn’t hold it in, and I blurted out, “I hate my teachers! How can they be so mean? I mean really Dad, who cares about most of this stuff they want us to learn?”

The moment the words slipped out I started to cringe and shrink a little, for talking back to my dad was something we never, ever did, and to say something that in response to one of his hugs and encouragements” what was I thinking? No; I’d stopped thinking, period. That had to be the only explanation.

However my dad didn’t seem surprised. He pulled out the chair next to me and swivelled it to sit facing me, hunched toward me eagerly, as if he knew my outburst would come one day, and had been waiting for his chance to catch it. I’m paraphrasing of course, not remembering his exact words, but they were something like this:

“Rosa, do you know why kids go to school? It’s not so you memorize the order of the American Presidents, or will always remember which countries are in Europe and not Asia, or even those rules in punctuating sentences. Everything you need to know can be looked up, or you can ask someone. You go to school to listen to people teach, so you figure out what’s the best way you learn, your way; that’s what you’re supposed to take away with you by the time you graduate.”

“You see school is this place where you get to try out a whole parade of different teachers. They change with every grade, and then every class, because they all teach different things important to them in different ways. Some of them are going to connect with you, and some aren’t. All of them, but especially the ones who do, are just using the stuff in your homework to get you to continue learning without them around because you’ve found a good way, for you. If you’re getting more homework, it’s because they know you can handle more, but you have to stop fighting it first.”

“You’re in school to learn how to learn, but there isn’t just one way, not even for you. So your time in school is all this experimentation, and this practice, for when school will be over. Because then, you’ll have to learn for yourself for the rest of your life. So use your homework to do that; use it as the stuff exploring the way you’ll learn best of all.”

Back then, I thought my dad gave my teachers way too much credit, for I didn’t feel the passion in all of them when they taught; if they really thought that stuff was important, they didn’t show it all that well. But he was so sincere in explaining this to me that the message did get through: I was in school to learn how to learn, and to shape my way of doing it, honing my methods into a tool I’d forever use.

Manager as Teacher

The conversation wasn’t quite over though. My dad got a bit pensive, and I realized he wasn’t waiting for me to answer him, he was still thinking about something. So I said, “I understand dad, and I’ll try to look at it that way from now on.” and then I asked him, “Is there something else?”

He answered, “Well, I just want you to know how important learning is. There will be times in your life it seems like being able to learn something is everything. Like when you have to go to work: If you’re lucky, you’ll have a boss willing to be a teacher for you too, but most of the time you’ll be on your own.”

“Have you had a boss like that Dad?”

My dad just looked at me for what seemed like a very long pause, but then he seemed to decide that honesty was best, and he simply said, “No, I haven’t. But I’m lucky, I like learning, and so I want you to learn to like it too.”

And with that, he got up from the table and pushed his chair back in, saying, “Now why don’t you get back to it, for I know you can do this.”

After that, my dad’s encouragements got a little different each day he’d come home and find me still sitting at the kitchen table. He’d say, “How’s the learning going?” and he’d expect me to answer in that way, about the learning itself. Whatever I said, he’d respond with, “That’s my girl, I’ve always known you’re a learner.”

My dad was successful: Even if I wasn’t yet a learner back then, he turned me into one, so much so that I’ve become a studying nerd, for I love to study things deeply, beyond the surface of just knowing about them. As the years went by, we’d have more conversations about learning at work too, and those have been the ones figuring strongly into my Managing with Aloha business model, and into my belief that great Alaka‘i Managers are the ones who are willing to take over wherever our teachers may have left off, teaching, coaching, and mentoring their people.

The subject matter has gotten much more important at work, and hopefully, it’s gotten much more interesting. It certainly has for me! … Learning Managing with Aloha: 9 Key Concepts.

Learning is essential in business, just as it is essential in an ‘Imi ola life. When you love it, learning is easy and it becomes self-perpetuating. When you struggle with learning, other difficulties seem to abound, and we often miss understanding that our poor learning skills are the root cause of those difficulties, and not the task itself.

My dream, is that all managers become the teaching boss my dad never had.

Here is what I have discovered in mentoring within the workplace: Learning can get overwhelming, even though people will universally agree that learning is a good thing. Managers-as-teachers find out how their partners (what we call employees in MWA) approach learning individually first; this diagnostics is job one before suggesting new learning. Said another way, they will teach from the place their students already learn, and help them develop learning skills from there.

You start by simply asking people, “How do you learn best?” Then listen for these cues:

  • Some people approach learning as a value. A manager helps, by taking their cues from ‘Ike loa in MWA, teaching in a value-based way, for learning is connected to that person’s beliefs and convictions. So how do you make business value human too? Start here: Wealth is a value.
  • Others approach learning as a skill connected to strength activities. A manager helps, by taking their cues from Key 7 in MWA, strengths management. Here is a good post to read: Feeling Good Isn’t the Same as Feeling Strong.
  • Those who call themselves ‘lifelong learners’ usually do both things: Learning is pervasive for them, and factors into nearly everything. This isn’t necessarily easier: The manager needs to help them focus so they use learning in a practical way at work instead of incessantly dabbling in a little bit of everything, and not finishing any of it.

Then keep the conversation fresh: If your partners aren’t prepared with an agenda of their own to talk about in a Daily Five Minutes, ask the learning question: “How about telling me about your discoveries or experiments? Have you learned anything new lately?”

Connect their learning to the right work projects, and learning becomes practical and mega-useful: MWA3P: Productivity and Projects.

Two related postings from the archives:

1. Alaka‘i Managers Coach, and they Facilitate

Some of the best management advice I got over the years came from my dad. When he heard my news of an early-in-my-career promotion, one of the things he said to me was, “Now you can find your decisions instead of making them all by yourself.”

2. Helping Without Hurting

We need to stop giving when we make it way too easy, and those we give to lose their own natural hunger. They don’t try hard enough, nor reach far enough, because we’ve robbed them of the experience of striving, and wanting more badly than they do.

We intended to help, and to love, but we’ve hurt them because we’ve robbed them of the joy which can come from expended effort. We’ve prolonged their path to achieving their self-reliance (if they ever do).

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Footnote: Video link for “Preventing future college dropouts”: College officials across the nation are attempting to address the issue of alarmingly high college dropout rates among undergrads. Michelle Miller reports for the CBS Evening News.

The quote which got to me was said by Sandra McGuire, Vice Chancellor of Academics at LSU, who feels “the bigger problem” is that “They don’t have study skills or learning strategies typically, so unfortunately they give up when they encounter difficulty.”

There was absolutely no way my dad would allow me, my brothers or sister to give up.

January Coaching: What are you really managing?

January 5, 2011 by Rosa Say

I’ve a January, year-prepping exercise in journaling for you, one of my favorites in the executive coaching I’ve done for people. We’re still in the 1st week of the new year: Do this before the coming weekend is over and you’ll feel the Ka lā hiki ola goodness, I promise.
[MWA Ref: Ka lā hiki ola means “the dawning of a new day.” It’s the value of newness with hope.]

It’s a favorite exercise because it’s so useful. Writing this down will serve as a great point of reference for you in the coming months, for you can look back at it, remember your better intentions, and screw your head back on correctly if need be. When you’re done, keep it where you normally would review it during your quarterly, monthly, or weekly reviews.

If you don’t like writing and journaling, please keep reading” I’ll address that momentarily. And as a MWA vocabulary reminder: Managing is a verb. You needn’t be a manager-in-title to do this.

Write out your answers to these 3 questions:

1. What are you really managing? — as in right now, as a managing creature of habit. Journal your way to truthful clarity, and notice that I didn’t ask you who you’re managing, for that would simply be writing a list (“myself and my own behavior” goes on the top of that list, but you already knew that, right?) Write about WHAT you are managing, and why you feel you need to be involved in the process. The more detail the better (this project, that assignment, a nagging recurrence with” etc.), for the more you’ll learn about your current habits, and the productivity and accomplishment (versus busywork) you’ve been getting because of those habits.

2. What do you want to be managing instead? — again, not who, but what, just like with the first question, but in the spirit of exploring how you can light a fire under your own energies with more exciting work — work that fascinates and intrigues you. The key word in the question is WANT. Don’t limit yourself; ALL work can morph to being more worthwhile for somebody: Just because a certain job isn’t within your workplace isn’t reason enough that it can’t be. Maybe you’re the person who needs to author it there.

If you suspect these are Ho‘ohana questions, you’re right.

Not enthused about Writing?

I admit that I’ll continually try to convert you — start by simply carrying a small notebook with you and writing stuff down when you’re bored, or when you’re waiting in line somewhere. You’ll be amazed by the ideas you start to capture once your whining is over. I don’t mean to be negative; that’s just the way it usually happens, and private whining can be useful to you too, within reason. Better to be on paper than out loud.

That said (that I’m very stubborn about writing stuff down), very smart guy and Business Strategist Mike Wagner recently reminded me that not everyone is like me” a good half of the world prefers to talk their way to clarity (like Mike) instead of writing their way there. So if that’s you too, go for it. Self-talk is powerful stuff: Muses, Mentors and Self-Talk.

Better yet, do the exercise out loud in a conversation with someone you like and trust — you go first, and then you be a listener and sounding board for them. You know how much I believe in talking story!

The Third Question

Last, and only when you feel the first two answers are info-packed with clues for you… (sleeping on this is a great idea. Go back and read about Wayfinding for your Best Clues if you’re getting impatient).

3. What will you be managing in the near future? — Said another way, What will it take to make your wants happen? I don’t care what your boss, spouse, or anyone else may have planned for you, or even if you already said yes to it (you can change your mind and say no if you have to. Burn your boat.) What do YOU have to do to move from what you described in your answers to the first question, to what you described in the second one?

For me, this is definitely a wayfinding exercise, because in starting with that first question you are confronting your existing habits and being truthful about them. I guess you could say that your answers to the second question are your goals, but in my experience it’s been much more effective for those I’ve coached to think of them as wants; they’re more basic that way, visceral even. Wants are Aloha-instinctive, and more emotion-charged compared to how pragmatic and strategic goal-setting is, and so energies ramp up quicker that way (I hate the SMART acronym. There, I’ve said it. I hate it because it’s boring.)

Where I’ve usually been able to help my execs as their coach is simply to give them permission, and get them to believe their wants are okay. More than okay. Listening to, and acting on those wants is what’s really smart, and you have a brand new year ahead of you… take the leap.

Postscript: If this post title sounds familiar to you, I have written on this “What are you managing?” theme before, but it was a little different, and employed the 5 Whys… use those instead of SMART!

  • Here’s that post: What are you managing?
  • And here’s its companion: What are you leading?
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RSS Current Articles at Managing with Aloha:

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