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Golden opportunities can look pretty dingy at times

May 20, 2005 by Rosa Say

On a week-to-week basis I limit my one-on-one coaching to Tuesday, Wednesday, and Thursday mornings. Personal coaching is intensive, and I’ve found that this time frame works best for me so I’m not spread too thin in the focus I need to give to my clients.

As they usually do, the past three days offered up some very interesting scenarios. There was one in particular that we can all learn from:

How do you handle it when one of your employees voluntarily offers up a difficult solution?

In the case of the manager I was coaching, an employee offered this near the end of a counseling conversation the manager had initiated because disciplinary action (a written warning in the employee’s file) regrettably had to be taken:

“In all honesty, maybe I don’t belong here.”

Turns out the employee is spot on: he is in the wrong job, and it continues to be a source of frustration for him, for his peers, for his manager, and for the company. The manager has dealt with him as patiently as possible, and is actively counseling him while silently hoping that the employee will find a better job somewhere else. However he hasn’t been able to verbally make that suggestion, and here, when the employee finally does it himself, what happens? He says,

“Oh come now, don’t be too hard on yourself. You can do better.”

He missed his golden opportunity, and now he’s kicking himself for it, asking me what the best way is to recreate the moment so he can grab it next time.

I feel for him, for this is one of those situations of learning the hard way: Most of us who have managed for a while can relate to what happened. It’s a wonderful part of our human nature that we try to make the other person feel better when they are down on themselves: We try to lift their spirits, and point out the more positive options, looking for those lights at the end of the tunnel no matter how dimly they may be flickering. We do this instinctively, even when we know that a change must be made, and made soon.

What I’ve personally learned that may help you is this: slow down. Learn to get more comfortable with the momentary silences that happen in difficult conversations. Let the suggestion hang in the air for a moment and don’t respond too soon.

One of two things will happen. Either the employee will speak first, offering up more information for you to better respond to, or you will have had the time to think before you speak. And often, the best thing to say next very well may be, “I think you’re right.” However that moment of silence will have conveyed to the employee that you know it’s a difficult decision, and you’ve taken the time to think about it and about their feelings.

Filed Under: MWA Key 6: ‘Ohana in Business Tagged With: counseling, discipline, management

Comments

  1. Lifehacker says

    May 23, 2005 at 5:20 am

    How to handle difficult conversations at work

    Leadership coach Rosa Say advises managers to slow down and get comfortable with momentary silences before responding too soon during difficult conversations at the office: In the case of the manager I was coaching, an employee offered this […]: “In…

  2. Balakumar Muthu says

    May 25, 2005 at 12:16 am

    Just landed to your WebBlog. It’s very cool with GREAT posts keep it up and keep up the good work. I will continue to visit your WebBlog and except to be great like this. Thank you.
    —
    Balakumar .M
    http://i5bala.blogspot.com
    http:// geocities.com/i5bala
    —

  3. Rosa says

    May 25, 2005 at 6:06 am

    Aloha Balakumar, mahalo nui for your kind words, and welcome to the Ho’ohana Community!
    Rosa

  4. Joyful Jubilant Learning says

    June 2, 2007 at 9:38 am

    Learning to Talk to Each Other

    I hope you will read this, even though you have decided not to participate in JJL LP2, for I would love to talk story with all of you about this particular learning. I suspect that the struggle some of us

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